Life post screen free week


Screen Free week ended with a viewing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on Saturday night. We huddled together on the couch and all sighed as the television glowed and the familiar theme song filled the living room. And just like that, screens were back in the daily rotation... 

To be fair, we'd all used devices on and off all week. Mostly for work and school, but also for communicating with friends via email and various messengers. This year, we were reminded of how often necessity dictates device usage, from paying bills to knowing the details of a homeschool get together, to simply finding out the weather. 

The weather cooperated and last week we were able to spend quite a bit of time outdoors. The kids each sanded, primed, and painted a piece of furniture. We hiked with friends twice. There was an afternoon at the beach that ended with the first faint sunburns of the year... 

We had a good week, though I found myself longing for Instagram. For Pinterest. For ways to zone out which didn't take much attention or concentration on my part. 

The funny thing is, those things I longed for, actually make me tired. I reintroduced all of the above starting Saturday night, and it's exhausted me. This week I've paid attention to my moods before and after I scroll through pictures and words, and I'm not pleased with my findings. I'm irritable. Tired. Worn down, emotionally. 

I've given this a good deal of thought. As an introvert I need to be cautious about how I spend my energy, and while I think social media is a good way for an introvert to find community, participate in conversations, etc... it's still energy, and I'm still expending it by using my phone to scroll, by being at the beck and call of texts and messengers.

Don't get me wrong, I love the connections made through blogging and Instagram. They are true and valid and worthy of attention and love and provide many positive things to my life. But... I think there's a valid case to be made about how social media and the internet can interrupt the flow of life, while at the same time providing connection. It's all about how we use it, and why. 

Attention, intention, and responsibility are all words that have been floating around in my head the past few days. 

As a family, we've declared Thursdays to be Screen Free Day each week. We're going to keep the conversation going about how we use our devices, and try to be more attentive to the people around us instead of our screens. It's a challenge, especially as technology keeps moving forward and is proving to be a bigger part of our lives than at least I had ever imagined it would be. 

And let's be honest, having the world at our fingertips is amazing... provided we don't let it stop us from getting ourselves out into the world. 




Top 10 Books on Writing


Over the past few weeks, several people have asked about my favorite books on writing, and I figured perhaps a few of you might be interested in my top books on writing as well. Below are my favorite books about writing and creativity...

My Top Ten Books on Writing
  1. The Writing Life by Annie Dillard. This tiny book packs a punch. Not only is it full of solid advice ("Appealing workplaces are to be avoided. One wants a room with no view, so imagination can meet memory in the dark.") but Dillard also finds a way to breath exquisite prose into a book that is about so much more than just writing. One of my favorite passages reads, "The feeling that the work is magnificent, and the feeling that it is abominable, are both mosquitoes to be repelled, ignored, or killed, but not indulged."
  2. Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. My copy (which is actually Lucas's copy... shhh...) is dogeared and filled with markings, highlighted passages. It is a classic title which most who have studied writing in some way or another have heard about. Goldberg champions mindfulness, having a (flexible) practice, and a healthy view of writing and relationships between the self and the world around. She writes, "I want someone to know me. We walk through so many myths of each other and ourselves, we are so thankful when someone sees us for who we are and accepts us." and later in the same chapter, Artistic Stability, "If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you." Yes, yes, yes.
  3. The Courage to Write by Ralph Keyes. This is a recent favorite of mine. It's the kind of book that takes you to a little coffee shop with a trusted mentor, someone who tells it like it is, doesn't let you get away with anything, but who smiles kindly and pats you on the shoulder and tells you that it'll all be okay, you just need to work hard and be persistent. In this day and age of social media and likes and followers, Keyes words strike me as timely: "Popularity is a serious brake on artistic expression of any kind. If people like you - and you expect them to like you - the risk of doing anything controversial, or saying anything revealing, is profound." 
  4. Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Yet another classic, I have yet to meet anyone who dislikes this book! I've read this book several times, cover to cover and also in sections when needed. I read it first at a pivotal point in my life, at a time when I was reading anything and everything by Lamott. I'm not the first person to say it, but through her books she held my hand and walked me through the tender early days of sobriety, but also the early days as a writer when I wasn't quite ready to take myself seriously. In reading this book, it felt like I had someone in my corner cheering for me. 
  5. Stop Worrying, Start Writing: How to Overcome Fear, Self-Doubt and Procrastination by Sarah Painter. I have long loved Sarah Painter's podcast, The Worried Writer, and was thrilled when she put out this non-fiction title. It's full of helpful tips, advice for showing up for your work, and focuses on writing as a practice. I love this gem from Painter: "At some point, if I ever wanted to be free of this continual self-doubt and second-guessing and terrible neediness, I was going to have to decide that I was good enough. That I deserved to be a writer. Not that I was instantly amazing and deserved success, not that I deserved to be universally adored, but that my words, my writing, my voice, my stories were worth creating. For myself."
  6. the War of Art by Steven Pressfield. This quick and easy read is a treasure to keep on hand for when you feel resistance lurking around your work space. It's a title that doesn't necessarily focus on writing, per say, but on creativity and the resistance that keeps us from getting to, and doing the work. This is perhaps my favorite section of the book: "Procrastination is the most common manifestation of Resistance because it's the easiest to rationalize. We don't tell ourselves, 'I'm never going to write my symphony.' Instead we say, 'I'm going to write my symphony; I'm just going to start tomorrow.'" So true!
  7. Making a Literary Life by Carolyn See. Carolyn See gives you a step by step guide to changing your life in the most literary way, from suggestion writing to authors you admire, to writing a thousand words five days a week for the rest of your life. Her suggestions are spot on and her humor is what kept me turning the pages. She tells you flat out you might not like her advice, but you'll love the results. The final words in her book read, "If you love this world and this craft, they will lift you to a place you can't begin to imagine." I've done more for less... so I'll take her advice any day of the week.
  8. Still Writing: The Perils and Pleasures of a Creative Life by Dani Shapiro. Honest, personal, and to the point, Still Writing is broken into three parts: Beginnings, Middles, and Ends. Each section contains mini essays pertaining to each of those three writing processes. Middles helped me through some daunting moments mid novel, and made buying the book a second time (because my first copy accidentally got donated...) totally worthwhile! A favorite quote of mine is, "I've learned to be wary of those times when I think I know what I'm doing. I've discovered that my best work comes from the uncomfortable but fruitful feeling of not having a clue - of being worried, secretly afraid, even convinced that I'm on the wrong track." Completely reassuring to hear this one from one of my favorite authors.
  9. Outlining Your Novel by K.M.Weiland. I used this book, and the workbook companion, to plot out my current novel. I didn't use every question or technique, but it helped me in key ways to create complex characters in ways that I haven't been able to achieve in my other works of fiction. There's something to be said about reading a book at the exact time you need it, and that was the case with this book. 
  10. If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland. This may be my favorite book on writing, ever. Ueland is kind and generous in her writing, and encourages writers to be playful and experiment and to find joy in the work. She writes, "Everyone is talented, because everybody who is human has something to express." and “Everybody is original, if he tells the truth, if he speaks from himself. But it must be from his *true* self and not from the self he thinks he *should* be. ” and “No writing is a waste of time – no creative work where the feelings, the imagination, the intelligence must work. With every sentence you write, you have learned something. It has done you good.” There is no better book to curl up with if you want a reminder of the benefits of writing, for yourself, from your heart.
There are so many books on writing out there, and so many I haven't read yet! Story Genius, Wired for Story, The Plot Whisperer, and Steven King's classic On Writing, are all on to-be-read list. I hope I've introduced you to a few titles you may not have heard about... what are your favorite books on writing and creativity?


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spring, distractions, and the homestretch


It's spring here in Massachusetts, finally. 

That means school work, knitting, lunch, and mugs of tea on the porch. Toes warmed by the sun, and sweaters around our shoulders for when the wind inevitably starts up. It's a season of in between, especially in New England, where the weather can change abruptly, but we always hope for the best, knowing to always prepare for four seasons within one day. 

The weather and all of it's changes, the forsythia blooming at rapid speed, changing moment to moment, it's all a beautiful distraction for creative folks. There's so much to look at, to take in, it's a smorgasbord of sensory experiences. And let me tell you, I am easily distracted these days.

I'm at the tail end of the fourth draft of my novel, and I'm ready to be done. By the next blog post it should be completed - fingers and toes crossed. 

This isn't much of a post today, just a place holder until next week. My brain is tired, my creative energy is being used elsewhere, and I so desperately want to finish this book. I posted on Instagram Stories that I'm over it, and wish I had given myself a harder deadline than the end of April, because I never finish early. I'm a procrastinator, and yet a work horse, and would have finished weeks ago if I set the date as such. Now I know. Instead, I've worked slowly, methodically, through this draft with lots of wiggle room and places to move lazily along. Days off, sick days or busy days. Days to lose a bit of motivation... 

But here we go, into the homestretch. Until next week... 

Growing


I haven't showed my face around here for a while, so... hello. This is me. The thirty something year old version of myself that is occasionally hard to recognize. Or rather, was hard to recognize. Not so much anymore. 

On our road trip I found myself squinting at the road signs on the highway, having headaches that weren't from dehydration or fatigue. Turns out, when you're driving around your own town and not really paying attention to signs - because you don't need to - you don't really realize when your glasses prescription changes... 

An eye exam showed that, low and behold my prescription changed enough to make a not so subtle difference... so I bought myself some new glasses. 

After wearing the same frames, give or take, for fifteen years, a change was in order. And a change it has been. 

My word of the year - I assume you've all heard about this concept by now - is grow. Meaning to grow into myself, to grow my writing, my yoga practice, my patience.... you get the idea. 

The most challenging of all of that, is growing into myself. 

Somehow, I've avoided it for the majority of my life, focusing instead on what I thought others would want me to be and do and dress and act.

So this growth thing, it's been kind of huge. 

And my new glasses are all part of it as I'm choosing to wear things, to adorn myself, with things that I like, instead of thinking about if other people would like how I look in them.  Like corduroy overalls, oversized glasses, flowy, shapeless dresses and clogs. All the clogs, please. I'm choosing to buy things and wear things that fit my body comfortably now, instead of someday. And to exercise because I love my body, not because I want it to change or become smaller. I'm a little softer around the edges than I used to be, but  no less strong. And frankly, I love how my curves play with my strength, how soft doesn't mean weak. 

I'm choosing to pause before saying yes, to honor when my gut tells me to say no, and to really look at what negative "obligations" I can eliminate and things I truly want to do because they add something positive to my life. 

The last few years I've known somewhere deep down what I wanted out of life, who I wanted to be and who I am. Sometimes I've had to squint to see that person, and the headache that caused... I'm done with. I don't want to squint to have to find myself. 

Growing into myself, and then staying close to my heart for the inevitable ebbs and flows of the inner journey, is the challenge. It's what life is all about. Growing into, and then loving, the self. It's only taken me thirty some odd years and a new pair of glasses to get here...

Editing, editing, and editing some more



These days are full of colored pens, typed pages, and a clip board. Each day I sit down with the clip board, the chapter at hand staring at me, and I dive into the hard copy and strike words, change sentences, or close my eyes and try to remember why I thought writing a novel was a good idea in the first place. Pen marks made, I move to the computer and fiddle with words, save the draft, stack the marked pages under my desk with the other edited pages, and then grab another chapter and put it on the clip board for the next days work. 

I'm about a third of the way through this - what I hope will be the last - working draft. At this point my family is invested heavily in my work: my husband has read the entire book and has given invaluable feedback, my children ask questions about the characters and plot, and they don't bat an eye if I sit down in the living room with my clip board while they're playing. It's part of our daily lives, our rhythms and routines. 

It has taken much work to get to this point. 

And so I sometimes sit and wonder what the next phase will look like. Honestly, I have no idea. With a self imposed deadline of the end of April for this draft, I should be in good shape to start querying agents this summer. 

With that comes patience, rejection, dedication, but also room to start writing another first draft of something else. The next novel. 

Can I tell you something? The idea of that creates all sorts of butterflies in my stomach. Because yes, it's work. Dreadful and tiring and painful work at times. But... writing books is what I've always wanted to do. 

And I'm doing it. 

So I'll edit on, knowing that this is all part of it. I'll edit on fully knowing that there's no guarantee that this particular book will ever see a bookstore shelf. I'll edit on with hope in my belly and all sorts of questions on my mind, forever thinking about the next book.

Because that's what writers do. We ask questions, and we have unfathomable amounts of hope.



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Getting unstuck



Ever since returning from our road trip, we've been in a funk. Well, more or less, the adults in this family have been in a funk. It's the time of year, the way we came home (via friends and a tow truck...), and probably a million little things that seem to add up when winter seems never ending and all the ways of being a grown up confront you at once. It can make you feel... stuck. 

It happens. But, sometimes you have to do the work of getting yourself out of feeling bogged down by it all. 

Tuesday is blog post writing day, and then I schedule these posts for Wednesday morning. This week I woke up dreading writing a blog post, I didn't have anything positive to say about anything, I've been having major difficulty getting back into my morning routine, and life just felt slow and hard and heavy. So I asked the folks over on Instagram stories for ideas - what did they want to hear about? And then after connecting with a few lovely people, I answered my own question, and got myself unstuck. 

The following is the list of things I did that helped me to feel lighter, less frustrated, and all around in a better mood...

  • Talk to someone. Even if it's not about the thing you're grumpy about. Connect. Laugh. In whatever manner is best for you. Today for me it was Instagram messages and a phone conversation with my mom. 
  • Yoga. It ALWAYS helps. And not just yoga (though that's my exercise of choice) but movement of any kind. Today I did a quick 16 minute stretch with Yoga with Adriene, and it ticked all the boxes. 
  • Play some hip swaying, spin inducing, dancing music. Right now we're all loving Meghan Trainer radio on Pandora... 
  • Bake something that smells and tastes like spring and hope. The kids and I whipped up a batch of Mini Meyer Lemon Bundt Cakes. With the following substitutions: regular lemons, gluten free flour, earth balance 'butter' and coconut yogurt. 
  • Create. Collage. Write. Paint. Knit. Make something from nothing and marvel at the magic that lies at  your fingertips. 
It didn't take much, even though lying in bed this morning it all seemed impossible, but all of the above helped tremendously. Once I got my butt in gear, it all flowed and one good thing led to the next. Maybe something small could help you today? What do you do when you feel stuck, when getting out of bed in the morning feels tedious, depression is knocking at your door, or you just have a case of the early spring - where's the warmth! - blues? 

One of these days I'll write about writing again, though from where I'm sitting with my editing hat on it doesn't feel like I have much to share... are there any topics you, my dear reader, would like me to write about in regards to writing, or anything else? I'd love to know as I'm having a tough time finding my footing in this blogging space this go around...

Road tripping

There is no better way to test the strength of your relationship with anyone than to get in a car and drive for four days straight... rest... and then turn around and do it again. Luckily, my family passed the test with flying colors. We not only drove from Massachusetts to Texas and back, but we still like each other! Yesterday was Lucas's first day back in the office, and let me tell you... it was rough. I kept walking around wanting to tell him things. When the kids came down in the morning and asked where he was and I reminded them about the whole work thing they both pouted... 

In all seriousness, we had a wonderful trip. We visited with family and friends, took a tour of Hershey's Chocolate World, crossed the Mississippi, ate incredible Italian food outside of Knoxville, BBQ in Memphis, Tex-Mex in Texas, way too many sugary snacks in the car, saw long-horned cattle, finally understood southern drawls, felt WARM, visited a cavern and saw bats in hibernation, and so much more. We all learned a lot about our country, as well as each other on this trip. I thought I'd share a few lessons from the road I'd like to remember, as well as a few photos... in no particular order...

  • Drink more water than you think you need.
  • Take advantage of technology: hotels.com, Gluten Free Near Me app, maps, tourist attraction apps, tablets for the kids filled with movies for the endless highway in Tennessee and then Arkansas... 
  • Bring a yoga mat, but be okay with not using it often.
  • Don't push your agenda on your whole family.
  • Have no, or at least realistic, expectations. And if you have expectations, share them. 
  • Bring actual mugs (we didn't... but I will always travel with an actual mug from here on out. Thanks for the suggestion, Mom!)
  • Be present.
  • Look out the window.
  • Don't feel bad if your children use devices more than you thought (hoped) they would. It's a long drive. If it didn't make you carsick, you'd be doing the same damn thing in the passenger seat!
  • Snacks. Have a bag of goodies in the trunk, and only put what you need for the day in a separate bag within reach. 
  • Listen to people you meet, ask questions. Be open to learning about them, yourself, and your own prejudices. 
  • Stop often.
  • Pee every time the opportunity presents itself, even if you don't need to.
  • Read the room, or the car, and act accordingly.
  • If people are tired and hungry and have to pee and have been in the car for 10 hours, maybe don't force them to take a selfie... even if it's the perfect opportunity. And if you do, don't make them wait as you try to take five more pictures because you can't hold your phone right. Long will the Virginia is for Lovers sign at the Virginia Welcome Center live in our family memories... 
  • Always say yes when someone offers to take a family photo for you.
  • Neck pillows. Get some, or just steal your children's. 
  • Play music that moves you. Maybe cry when you listen to Frank Turner singing about how "love is about the changes you make and not just three small words..."
  • Yes, take reusable water bottles. But think about where you're going to refill them... and if you're not happy with water from fountains, stop every two days and pick up a big jug of water or two to refill your bottles with. Yes, you're still creating waste, but not nearly as much as a dozen plastic bottles of water a day... 
  • Check in with people to let them know you're alive, but don't spend your whole day texting. You can share about your trip later. You'll never get the time spent with your family on that very vacation again.
  • Silence is a good thing. 
  • Rowdy laughter and jokes and rambunctious kids are a good thing, too. 
  • It's okay to be homesick. It's okay to cry. It's okay to give more hugs than needed.
  • Buy a sheet of post card stamps before you leave home, and use them. Even if it's hard to find post cards, send them. It's worth the time. 
  • Keep notes on what you did each day, where you went, where you stayed, what you ate, what you saw. Nothing lengthy, just enough to jog your memory. By the end you won't remember what day it is, let alone when you went through Virginia or what that incredible restaurant in Tennessee was named. 
  • Remember that not everyone likes audiobooks... (no matter how much you want to like them, don't feel bad if they're not your thing)
  • When approaching Memphis, put on Paul Simon's Graceland album and sing your hearts out (especially if you ACTUALLY have a nine year old travelling companion in the car... and yes, we did!)
  • Do the longest driving day first.
  • Remember to say thank you when friends pick you up off the side of the highway, 20 minutes from home, as your car and husband drive down the road on and in a tow truck... and then thank the heavens you weren't in Arkansas when your car broke down!

Do you take road trips with your family? I think this is just the start of our road tripping days. Even with breaking down at the very end (darn spark plugs...), Lucas is already planning a trip to the South West, and I've got my sights set on camping in Shenandoah in the next year or two. When you can see the actual progression in landscape and the change in cultures up close, it's hard to imagine traveling any other way. And honestly, I've got a pretty incredible family to travel with who make just about any journey extra special, so why not hit the road?

Morning glory


The alarm goes off at six. I let my eyes adjust to the room, stretch and hide under the blankets for a few moments. And then I know, I know how I'll feel if I don't get out of bed, so I get out of bed. 

That, my friends, is my motivation. 

I make my way downstairs and pour myself a cup of water. I spread the yoga mat and more often than not I open up YouTube on my phone and find a Yoga with Adriene video to help wake up my body. A few downward dogs, a couple vinyasas, some warrior poses, and not only does my body wake up, but my mind as well. 

Next I turn the on the kettle. While I wait for the water to boil, my attention turns to the birds and other wildlife that call our backyard home. Forsythia bushes and lilac trees form a border with our neighbor's yard, and play host to chickadees, squirrels, blue jays, mourning doves, and the occasional woodpecker. With a click, the electric kettle turns itself off and I measure a heaping spoonful of loose leaf English Breakfast tea into my mug and pour hot water over the leaves. Making mental note of the time thanks to the clock on the oven (though nine times out of ten, I forget what time I started at...) I let the tea steep for two minutes. Then I make my way to the living room and sit on the couch as a golden white light streams in and the room glows with softness. 

With a blanket on my lap I open a cheap, recycled, composition notebook and bring out my pencil. Recently Sara Sheehy, a fellow writer (and actually, funny story, we went to the same college, but only knew each other through a mutual friend. We've recently gotten to know each other a bit over on Instagram, and she's someone I would love to chat with over tea and listen to her travel stories. See, social media can be used for good!) reminded me of what Natalie Goldberg writes about - how you need non precious materials to really get all the writing gunk out. To feel okay with writing things that no one else will see, writing that will free you. 

And so I sit and write three pages each morning, and it clears my mind. I used to use a moleskin notebook and a regular pen. But... there's something about how the pencil slides across paper, how it's effortless and smooth, soft. The combination of composition book and pencil not only creates a safe place for my most jumbled words, it also brings me back to Mr. Robert's sophomore English class in high school, where I first learned about the benefits of simply putting pencil to paper and letting the words fall. Every few weeks we had to fill a certain number of pages. He never read them, but we had to show him that we'd done it. I remember one day sitting in the library before class writing the same word over and over again. And then, of course, other words followed. Because that's what happens. I can trace my love of writing way back to my childhood, but my love of free writing and journal writing I believe dates back to that English class. 

By the time I finish with my morning pages Lucas has come down and kissed me goodbye and headed off for his work day. I can often times hear children starting to move around upstairs. And when they make their way downstairs, I'm ready for them. I'm ready for the day. 

A few weeks ago I was in a funk. I was tired, our days were not going smoothly, there were a lot of big feelings and angry voices (mine, and mine...), and I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. By the third day, I realized it was because I was forgoing my morning routine for staying in bed. The cold mornings combined with late nights spent watching the Olympics were a perfect storm that I used to convince myself I could sleep in. Since we homeschool, we have a very flexible schedule, including very flexible mornings for the most part. So why not? Why not stay in bed, and let the kids wake me up, and then start our day together? 

I'll tell you why. Because sleeping in makes me miserable. 

I cannot even believe I'm typing that, because I love sleep. And for years, I've loved sleeping in. 

Mornings are the only time I can find actual quiet in the house. Yes, I make time for writing most afternoons, but during that time I'm okay with a bit of distraction, I've trained my writing brain to work alongside distraction when necessary.

But I still need quiet. 

I've never been a morning person, and so this has taken work. It still takes work. But it's worth every yawn and afternoon slump. And I'm not saying everyone should do this. It's not about the hour or the yoga or the journal writing. But I do think that every person should listen to their own bodies and see what you need. In a world that keeps getting louder and louder, busier and busier, finding space and quiet, and time to recharge is essential. It will probably look different for you. Whatever it is, a run or a yoga session, coffee with a friend or your daily cuppa before work, an afternoon walk around the block, make the time, and savor it. Even if it's only five minutes. You'll never regret it. And it'll make a difference in not only you, but the people around you as well. 

A few moments to pause, to enjoy what's in front of you, and to reset is one of life's simple and greatest joys. It feels like work, but really, it's gift you can give to yourself every single day. And the best part? It's free. 




Words of Wisdom: John O'Donohue



“Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.” 
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

Baby steps and giant leaps


I'm sitting here with my mug of steaming hot tea, a to do list, and the first chapter of my novel printed out and with pencil edits throughout. Procrastinating. But also, I wanted to come here and share a bit of an update, to share about my book. 

Let me tell you, that statement feels like a gigantic leap, and triggers all sorts of impostor syndrome symptoms within me. 

Because yes, I have a book. But also, it's far from done. There is no book deal. No agent. No publishing plan. Yet.

The thing about writing a book is that it's done in baby steps. Hundreds of baby steps. Building word on to word, sentences into paragraphs, pages into chapters, and on and on. Right now the book is over 300 pages. It's not entirely a mess, but it's in need of some work. And, once I'm done with it, it's only the beginning.

So maybe I'll tell you what's on the horizon, and where I'm at today. Because if you're along for this ride, I want to be honest with you: writing a book is a long and involved process. And then when it comes to publishing... it's just as long and involved.

Right now, I'm working on the fourth draft of my novel. It's tentatively called Farm Girl, and is about a young photographer named Bea who doesn't have a permanent address, who finds herself wanting to go home. The trouble is, the only place she ever felt at home was her now deceased grandmother's house. So Bea travels to the orchard across the street from her grandmother's house and stays with family friend who was like a second father to her as she was growing up. She quickly finds herself tied to the orchard and community in ways she never expected...

It's a quiet, sweet story, the type I enjoy reading. I think that's important when you're writing fiction, to write something you'd want to read. Anyway, I'm on the fourth draft, and I'm just beginning the real nitty gritty type of editing. With each draft I've peeled away layers to reveal the actual story, and now I'm at the point where I can easily see what needs to stay and what needs to go - what is essential to the story.

This stage feels daunting and tedious, terrifying but also creative and kind of fun. It's a different type of adventure than the rest of the writing process has been.

It's also been the hardest to jump into.

Maybe because I know it's going to be a lot of work.

Maybe because I know once I dive in, I won't want to come up for air.

My goal is to finish this next draft by the end of April. It's doable, I know it is. So here I am, with my pencils and highlighters, ready to take the next baby step. But first, more tea...
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Rabbit holes and memory lane

Me and Paige, Florida 2017. By Lucas.

The other day I went down a rabbit hole on YouTube. Have you watched the Great British Bake Off? On one of the seasons (I can't remember which one...) there was a tall firefighter named Matt. Well, he and his wife now have a YouTube channel to share about their lives with two young children, called The Life of Riley. It's adorable, sweet, funny, and brutally honest about what life is like as parents of two children under the age of three.

I won't tell you how many of their videos I watched over the weekend, but it was a lot. The reason I so enjoy their videos is because they remind me of when my children were that age. Fynn and Paige are 21 months apart, and so juggling a toddler and an infant was so very familiar.

My children are now 11 and 9, and parenting them is much, much, much different them than parenting toddlers and babies.

Now, if you have small children, don't worry. I'm not about to tell you to enjoy every moment because you'll miss it all one day. It doesn't do any good to glamorize the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the cracked nipples from early days of breast feeding, or the utter exhaustion. I remember being told I'd miss every bit of it - and to be honest? I don't. Not at all. And at the time all those comments did was make me feel like a terrible mother for not enjoying a tantruming two year old in the middle of Target while onlookers told me, "you'll miss this one day..."

But, there is a simplicity of parenting infants and toddlers that I miss, desperately.

I remember needing to meet basic human needs: food, sleep, clean and dry bums. And now, the needs we are trying to meet are ever changing: mental health, physical health, education, braces, anxiety, social situations, friendship issues, making sure they are decent human beings as they grow up right before our very eyes. Parenting, at this stage, feels much more mental than physical, but at times every bit as exhausting... just in a different way.

I wouldn't go back to my children's infancy if given the option. Neither of our children slept at all (which, to be honest, is why we have only two children...), and I really, really, really love my sleep at this point in life. But, I do miss how easily most (not all, trust me, I know not all...) problems were fixed with a bath, nap, snuggle, or snack.

So no, parents of very young children, please don't cherish all of those parenting itty bitty children moments that make you want to cry from exhaustion or with frustration. But know that certain memories of your child's baby and toddler years will make you smile as you navigate the tween years, and (I'm guessing) the rest of their journey into adulthood. They'll keep you going when times are tough, remembering how sweet your babes were, how their belly laughs were contagious, how they smelled straight out of a bath and how heavy in they grew in your arms when they finally fell asleep...

And don't get me wrong, I have loved each age and every stage of the kids development. They are fun, hysterical, sweet, smart, amazing human beings who I love being around, and the older they get the more I'm aware of what an absolute privilege it is to watch these people grow up and blossom and simply live...

...but... if you need me anytime soon, I'll just be flipping through the photo albums instead of working on novel edits (more on that next week!).

Fynn & Paige, just about exactly nine years ago

In defense of February



Here in the Northern Hemisphere we are firmly planted in winter. And I've got a confession to make: I love February. 

Hear me out!

I know it's an unpopular position, but I adore February, and I wholeheartedly love winter. I get it, SAD and the cold and heating bills and ice and germs... I've heard it a million times, and I understand. I do. There are specific hardships that occur in the winter months, no doubt. 

But I still think February is a gorgeous month that doesn't get nearly enough credit. And so, without further adieu, here is my list of ten reasons why I love February:

  • The way the light plays on either end of the day. Wisps of pink and orange dance across the sky, and spread more and more every morning and evening.
  • There is no escape, no between seasons, no temperatures faking us out and tempting us to put away one set of clothes for another. We are neither at the beginning nor the tale end. We are in it. And there's a beauty to that, I think. Whether it's being planted in the middle of a season, or in the middle of deep soul work, or in the depths of a project where you can't really see how it's possible to give up, but there's also just a hint at the end. Deep work. That's what February is.
  • Frost pictures on the windows. Delicate designs appear in the morning as if out of nowhere, each design as different and unique as snowflakes.
  • Valentine's Day. And not for the reasons you may think, as my husband and I rarely celebrate each other on this day, but for the children. How excited they get, and how they don't know that it's a Hallmark holiday. There's an innocence to the holiday that's been long forgotten. The care that goes into hand drawn hearts and homemade cookies is priceless.
  • The beach in winter. Walks along the beach in February are heaven. It's quiet and still, and if you're lucky there's a snowbank to crawl over and frozen seaweed to navigate and a plethora of beach treasures to find. The beach during winter is a reminder that our planet is bigger than us, and it ebbs and flows with not only the tide, but the seasons. We'd be lucky to remember that on a regular basis. 
  • Snow. As of right now, we're lacking in the snow department (I know many of you are knee and hip deep in it though!), and I've got two children who are desperate to use their snowshoes and sleds... honestly? I'm right there with them. There's an absolute and utter joy that comes from sledding, and a peace unlike any other transcends when you walk through quiet, snowy woods. 
  • Cancelled plans. This time of year they happen for many reasons, and the only thing I've found to manage disappointment is simply embracing cancellations. And as an introvert who would be happy in a Hobbit hole with a stack of books... cancelled plans sometimes feel like a gift. 
  • No creepy crawlers. No ticks. No ants (though I did spot two the other day... hardy suckers...). No mosquitoes. 
  • My children's laughter as they sled down hills, helpful hands for shoveling, rosy cheeks just in from the cold, chilled noses, cold hands searching for warmth, and snuggles. In February there is an endless supply of winter snuggles. 

I remember years where winter seemed to slog on, it was endless. What's changed? My perspective. Also... finally outfitting myself in some solid winter gear (eBay has made that much more affordable... and buying second hand is not only good for our wallets, but the environment!) so that being outdoors is comfortable, no matter the temperature. But really, it's acceptance. We can't rush mother nature, we can't change the weather, and just as there's beauty in each of the other seasons, there's much beauty to be found in the depths of winter. You just need to know where to look.


Coming home to the blog... updates


Happy 2018, a month and a bit late!

It's been a while, hasn't it? The end of 2016 found me ramping up this space, and then in the beginning of 2017 I decided to put all of my creative efforts into finishing a novel that had been shelved. And so this space stayed silent, still, quiet. 

2017 was a banner year for my writing. I finished not only the first draft of my book {tentatively titled Farm Girl} but also the second and third drafts. As of writing this post I'm waiting on some feedback from a few trusted readers before diving into the fourth and then final drafts before beginning the process of querying agents and getting the ball rolling towards publication. 

There's a lot of waiting at this stage of the game. Waiting for feedback. Waiting for self imposed deadlines in terms of giving myself space from the manuscript to gain perspective. Waiting to feel like a writer. Waiting to call myself an author. Waiting to hear back from the professionals. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. 

Instead of twiddling my thumbs, I've decided to jump back into this space and claim my title as a writer, and invite you all along for the ride! While I don't claim to be doing any of this right, or by the book, or in a professional capacity, I'm doing all of this the only way I know how: in fits and starts, piecemeal, ever changing, and imperfectly. 

Here's what I'm committing to in this space: 
  • Weekly blog posts focusing on the writing life, daily habits, joys, successes, failures, the journey to publication {fingers crossed}, my book{s}, and life in general. Blog posts will be published on Wednesdays.
  • A monthly newsletter starting in March! I promise not to try and sell you anything {except, you know, eventually, my books...}. I'll be sharing a recap of the previous months blog posts, any updates in my writing life, and things that move or interest me and I want to share with you. The newsletter will be coming out the first Thursday of each month. 

I hope to create some sort of community and connection with you all. I'm not sure what place blogging has in the super speedy internet world full of instant gratifications and likes and fast fast fast... but I've been feeling the need for deeper words, deeper connections, and a deeper living recently. I hope to convey and create a bit of that here. 

Feel free to poke around this updated site, check out old blog posts, subscribe to my newsletter, check out my author page on Facebook, sign up for posts to be delivered to your inbox {see the top right of the site!}, and let me know what you think! As always, thank you for reading. 

xo,
Corinne



Until 2017...

{picture edited with the PicsArt app}


Here's to soaking in the last bits of 2016. As we creep up to the end of the month, the end of a topsy turvy year, I'm feeling quiet and thoughtful. Thinking about what I could have done differently, what I did right, what I did well, what I need to work on.

Later today I'm going to sit down with cup of tea and Susannah Conway's Unravel Your Year workbook as I have the past few years. If you haven't worked through her previous years workbooks, I highly recommend giving it a shot. There are questions you won't want to answer, but if you dive in you'll find yourself liberated in some ways, and learn so much about yourself and the way you spent this last year. It's a gentle activity curated to help you move forward and into the coming year with knowledge, intention, and a sense of possibility.

The best part? It's free!
Consider the time you'll spend on these pages a gift to yourself.

On this shortest day of the year, the darkest before we start turning towards the light again, I want to extend you warmth, happiness, and much love. Happy Holidays to you and yours. May your holidays be full of love, laughter, and peace.

Until 2017... xoxo

favorite books ~2016~



I was poking through my Goodreads shelves last night, looking at what I've read over the last twelve months. For the past two years or so I've tracked, in one way or another, the books that I've read, and I'm so grateful for the practice. There were titles I'd forgotten about, read in haste but enjoyed, others that I wish I hadn't spent quite so much time on... but am grateful for any book that holds my interest for even a small bit of time. There's always something to be learned in a book, whether as a writer or simply as a human being existing in this world.

In any case, below I've listed a few favorite books read this year.

Non Fiction 

Becoming Wise: An Inquiry into the Mystery and Art of Living
by Krista Tippett
What I took away from reading this book was a desire to listen, to understand where others are coming from, and a reminder that there is always, always, common ground to be found.

“I can disagree with your opinion, it turns out, but I can’t disagree with your experience. And once I have a sense of your experience, you and I are in relationship, acknowledging the complexity in each other’s position, listening less guardedly. The difference in our opinions will probably remain intact, but it no longer defines what is possible between us.” ~K.Tippett

Killing Rage: Ending Racism
by bell hooks
Nearly a year after reading, I'm still processing. The book is two decades old, but still as relevant as ever. It was recommended to me as a place to start my adult education on racism, and I think it was a perfect read given the various storms that we're in, still in, and about to face.

“All our silences in the face of racist assault are acts of complicity.” ~b.hooks




Fiction

The Lonely Life of Biddy Weir
by Lesley Allen
I finished this just the other day, and am still thinking about Biddy. I even went back and changed my rating from a four star to a five star. The first half was difficult to get through, but the second half... it was worth it. I think many of us can relate to Biddy, who is told over and over again that she's a bloody weirdo, and so she believes it, and moves through life as such, in her own mind. And worst of all, she stays silent about the torment she's going through. Biddy Weir tugged at all of my heartstrings, as a once upon a time young girl and as a parent. And the character that comes into play in the second half... oh my word. You'll know when you meet her.

“You know, I’ve been called a bloody weirdo once or twice myself. In fact,’ she snorted, ‘I’m sure some people have called me worse. But that doesn’t mean I am one. Granted, I might be a bit different to them. Maybe I don’t look the same, or think in the same way, or dress the same,’ she waved a hand over her long jade-green and turquoise-blue velvet dress and chuckled. ‘Case in point. But it doesn’t mean I’m weird, or a bad person. And it certainly doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated badly. And you know, so what? I like it. I actually like being different, and I’ll tell you what, Biddy, I use it to my advantage. Anyway, aren’t we all just a little bit weird in our own unique way? What was it John Lennon said? “It’s weird not to be weird.” ~L. Allen

To the Bright Edge of the World
by Eowyn Ivey
This is my absolute favorite book of the year. I know it's a bit slow in the beginning, but I found the writing to be exquisite, the story engaging, and the characters complex and unique. I've been a fan of Eowyn Ivey's for some time, having loved her debut the Snow Child, and I looked forward to the release of her second novel with hope for a spectacular story. She didn't disappoint.

“There is a mythical element to our childhood, it seems, that stays with us always. When we are young, we consume the world in great gulps, and it consumes us, and everything is mysterious and alive and fills us with desire and wonder, fear, and guilt. With the passing of the years, however, those memories become distant and malleable, and we shape them into the stories of who we are. We are brave, or we are cowardly. We are loving, or we are cruel.”~E.Ivey

Abide with Me
by Elizabeth Strout
This read like a long sigh, perfect in its simplicity and depth. Elizabeth Strout is one of my favorite authors, and I savored this story of heartache, grief, family and faith.

“You just stood up to your mother.... I should think now you could take on the world.” ~E.Strout

My Name is Lucy Barton
by Elizabeth Strout
The second book by Elizabeth Strout read this year. I've read mixed reviews on this one, and it seems to be quite divisive in Strout's fans, but I adored this book.

“Do I understand that hurt my children feel? I think I do, though they might claim otherwise. But I think I know so well the pain we children clutch to our chests, how it lasts our whole lifetime, with longings so large you can't even weep. We hold it tight, we do, with each seizure of the beating heart: this is mine, this is mine, this is mine.” ~E. Strout

 Wolf Winter
by Cecilia Ekbäck
Chilling, haunting, and utterly beautiful. It's a darker book than I normally enjoy... really diving into the depths of the best and worst of humanity... but it has stayed with me since I closed the book one final time.

“Late autumn this year had violence in her hair, angry crimson, orange, and yellow. The trees wrestled to free themselves of their cloaks, crumpled up their old leaves and threw them straight out into the strong wind rather than just let them fall to the ground. Dry leaves ran across the yard with the crackle of fire.” ~C.Ekbäck

 The Beautiful Possible
by Amy Gottlieb
If you're looking for a sweet love story with a happy ending, this is not the book for you. If you want a complex story that shows a love triangle that is so tangled, and so interwoven with faith and passion, that spans the time from WWII forward... it is a must read. Daring and captivating, I had never read anything quite like it. I couldn't put it down.


“We are all connected in the unending chain of belief and doubt. Together we can answer each 
other's questions.” ~A.Gottlieb



Collections of Short Stories

The Shell Collector
Anthony Doerr
I was first introduced to Anthony Doerr by his novel All The Light We Cannot See. This collection of stories is written with the same beauty as his acclaimed novel. The stories are all unique, and yet all have a sense of sadness and truth.

"To consider water on any scale was to confront a boundless repetition of small events. There were the tiny wonders: rain drops, snow crystals, grains of frost aligned on a blade of grass; and there were the wonders so immense it seemed impossible to get his mind around them: global wind, oceanic currents, storms that broke like waves over whole mountain ranges." ~A. Doerr, from About Grace

Tell Me a Riddle
by Tillie Olsen
I requested this collection solely for "I Stand Here Ironing" but found all of the stories equally thoughtful, profound, and they each stirred something different within me. A classic that I will add to my shelves.

"You think because I am her mother I have a key, or that in some way you could use me as a key? She has lived for nineteen years. There is all that life that has happened outside of me, beyond me." ~T.Olsen from "I Stand Here Ironing
Children's Books

The One and Only Ivan
by Katherine Applegate
Touching, tender, and real. The kids and I enjoyed reading about Ivan and his friends, and the adventure that ultimately brings them all home. 

“Humans waste words. They toss them like banana peels and leave them to rot. Everyone knows the peels are the best part.” ~K.Applegate

 Flora and Ulysses: The Illuminated Adventures
by Kate DiCamillo
Another read aloud with the kids - and I think this was all of our favorite of the year. We all laughed so hard, and quoted this book for weeks. We walked around saying "Holy unanticipated occurrences!" again and again.

“All words at all times, true or false, whispered or shouted, are clues to the workings of the human heart.” ~K.DiCamillo

 What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety
by Dawn Huebner
This came highly recommended, several times over. There may be a kid in this house who needs a bit of help with anxiety, and this has worked wonders. We're only halfway through, but many of the tools (which are based on cognitive behavioral therapy techniques) have been added to our toolbox and and we reference often.


Do you all have books that stand out as favorites of 2016? 
I'm always looking to add to my to read list! 

Tuesday rambles



It's Tuesday morning, and I'm sitting down with my second cup of tea. I'm on the computer under the guise of looking up a Mystery Science activity for us to do in a bit, but the children have rediscovered their teddy bear collections {or realized just how many they have, with a combined eighteen years of collecting between them.... and now I've just gasped over that number...} and so who am I to interrupt their imaginative play?

So I'm here. With a cup of tea and an overfilled laundry hamper full of clean clothes ready for folding, and kids in the background filling stuffed animals with voices and heart and the heater thrumming...

~~~

These days are filled with Christmas activities. Movies, baking, making and wrapping gifts. Though I've thrown in towel with cookie baking. We have so many food allergies and sensitivities, I've found cookie baking in particular tedious. As I mentioned in a previous post, my personality lends itself to a lack of precision and so baking can be hit or miss. Quick breads and cakes, brownies and one specific chocolate chip cookie recipe I've got down pat. But cookies... Christmas cookies especially... seem to be my nemesis.

I had a list of cookies I wanted to bake this year, and so this week was to be all about cookie baking. Yesterday we started with an orange spritz cookie. Halfway through I looked at the kids and told them, "You know, I don't enjoy baking, but I do enjoy spending time with you both," and Fynn looked up and said, "So you're doing them both at the same time?" I laughed, but it got me thinking.

When you do an activity that you don't enjoy, that stresses you out, and at the same time try to enjoy every moment of the time you're spending with your kids doing this special thing because that's what's expected... I guess you're supposed to put on a happy face and just get through it for traditions sake.

I don't buy it.

The cookies turned out dry and crumbly. They taste mostly of flour with a hint of orange zest. They're cookies though, so they'll get eaten.

As for the rest, we're buying a bunch from Trader Joe's that the kids and husband can eat, and I'm making a cake for Christmas. Because cakes I can do. Cakes we can make together and I won't loose my mind.

It's all about knowing your limitations, your strengths, the things that make you want to go hide in the bathroom, and what makes you tick.

~~~

It's the time of year for reflection, and yet, for some of us it seems we reflect all year long and so the extra pressure of culturally appropriate reflection can put us over the edge.

Even still, while  academically our year begins in September, personally I do find January the perfect time begin a fresh planner, a calendar, a fresh start.

The key in being the type of person who reflects and changes throughout the year is finding the right tools to do help you do so.

This year alone I've tried the Get To Work Book and the bullet journal system. Both have their strong points, and I've both for various reason. Currently I'm enjoying the bullet journal that I keep as a homeschooling log more than my personal one. With the bullet journal one can be as creative or as minimalist as you desire. The Get to Work Book was kind of a gateway tool to bullet journaling. However, I found that the workbook didn't have quite as much room for each day as I wanted, and the bullet journal is almost too unstructured {unless I want to loose hours in structuring it, and constantly changing it and fine tuning it...}

It all comes back to wanting structure until I don't want structure, and then I want it again until I don't, and so finding something that lends itself to that cycle, the ebb and flow of, well, me, is proving difficult.

{I also realize I'm spending too much time focusing on what type of way to plan and keep track of my days instead of focusing on my writing projects! I've given myself a bit of a break after nanowrimo, but today is the day I'm going to begin rereading drafts of both the novel I began earlier in the year, as well as the one I was working on last month. I'd like to get through them both before Christmas so I can have an idea of what I'd like to work on, or find a way to approach working on both.... ramble within a ramble much?}

So. I'd love to hear what you all use for planning tools, and what your favorites are. I'm looking at the Start Planner for next year, thinking it looks pretty fantastic especially since there's a page allotted for each day.... but I'm open to suggestions. Looking back at this year the times I was most productive with my writing, I was using a set planner rigorously and it kept me more accountable than I have felt ever before. For myself, if there's something written in my planner for a specific day, I'm going to do it. If I have the option of moving an item into the following day {one of the whole points of the bullet journal is to have a rolling to do list, though I know I could customize and it's all about mindset...} then I'll take that option instead of actually doing said task.

{and this, my friends, is why writing is amazing: I didn't realize that until JUST NOW, what I wrote in the previous sentence!}

~~~

I know, frivolous stuff amid a world full of serious issues. But sometimes, frivolity is important. Taking a break from the news and the facebook feeds of opinions and high stakes and emotions. It doesn't mean I'm not interested or participating in the discussions, far from it.

But right now I'm doing a lot of listening. Or trying to. Reading for facts and hearing different perspectives even on the same side.

Because there are so many.

~~~

And on that note, the kids are finished playing, and I need to find some science activities as promised, and Poetry Teatime is on the horizon and we're writing our own poems this week...

I used to write these rambling posts often when I was blogging regularly, and looking back, they're some of my favorite posts. Partly because of conversations they started, partly because I can see what was going on in my mind, what mattered. Little things matter. What are the little things that keep coming up for you? That are on your mind that don't seem big enough to warrant discussion, but in all likelihood, do? I'd love to hear it, truly.

Happy Tuesday, my friends.

how to be kind to yourself in this season...



find quiet
layer on the blankets
binge watch your favorite show
holiday themed or not
enjoy endless warm drinks
cup the mug and feel the heat transfer
feel it come alive in your hands
read aloud
to yourself, a pet, a loved one
feel the words on your tongue
and how they long to be savored
slow
change traditions to bring joy
save traditions to bring joy
throw out traditions to bring joy
bring joy
feel sorrow as it comes - it will
stand outside in the frigid air
 and watch your breath swirl around you
listen for sleigh bells
remember there is a season for everything
take a bath
let the steam surround you
feel the pull of water over and under the body 
as the tub drains
linger over dinner
over dishes
over life
share your expectations
if you have them
but try not to have too many
don't wallow in 'why didn't they'
ask 'can you?'
listen to your body
as it tells you to rest
allow yourself your feelings
honor what rises
what swells
what calls for attention
find space in the cracks
find joy in the sorrow
find quiet
and savor

at our sewing table



Earlier this year we gave our daughter a sewing machine for her birthday.

At the very thought of teaching her how to sew, a feeling of dread swept over me.

But, it was the only gift she really, truly, wanted, and the pros outweighed the cons, and so we bought her a sewing machine.

You see, I know how to sew. I don't remember ever not knowing how to sew. But knowing how to do something, even being good at something, doesn't mean you enjoy it.

I'm a perfectionist in some ways, and yet I'm not a very precise person. These two facts make my enthusiasm for sewing, well, non existent.

So I worried I would bring all sorts of baggage to the table when teaching my daughter how to ew. I worried that I would get frustrated, that I would hold some unattainable level of precision or perfection above my daughter's head. That I would yell. That I wouldn't be able to let go and let her lead the way. That I would need to control the situation.

But I forgot two other very important facts: that our relationship is unique, and as in every single thing she does, my daughter doesn't need a teacher. She needs a guide. A sounding board. Someone to look to when she has a question. Not an instructor. A mentor.

The first time we sat down at the table to sew, her new machine straight out of the box and shiny, the bobbin freshly wound, I showed her how to sew two pieces of fabric together. I over explained and spoke loudly, enunciating like I was speaking to someone who's native tongue was not my own. She watched closely, rolled her eyes, and said, "let me do it." I slipped out of the chair and stood, crossed my arms and watched.

And she did it.

And when my voice got short and my shoulders pulled up to my ears, my husband walked into the room. He put his hands on my shoulders and whispered, "she's fine."

And she was.

Over the last few months we've learned how breathe safety and space into our sewing time. We play Christmas music all year round, we sing loudly and off key as the sewing machine whirs. We tell jokes and laugh as we iron. We say I love you, and you're doing great, and keep going. Both of us. We stop before we get tired.

This week we're knee deep in homemade Christmas presents. Time constraints for shipping are pressing, and yet we're still able enjoy ourselves, both of us. Somehow we bring a certain lightness to the table, little expectation, and most importantly a deep respect and appreciation for the process and our relationship. There's no room for baggage at our sewing table. Only room for possibility, creativity, and some double over with laughter jokes.

"So, how are you doing, Mom?"
"Good."
"Don't you mean sew good? Get it? So, like sew?"

And the laughter is contagious, the smiles infectious, threads cover the table and floor, pins prick our fingers and the sewing machine hums on...