Last night I traveled down the rabbit hole of Throw Back Thursday {#tbt if we're being all proper...because it's a thing...} which means I scrolled through years of photos on our server,and I let a few tears fall and smiled so big that my face hurt.
Because seriously.... look at these toddlers!
So adorable. And squishable. And overwhelming for all of my senses.
I scrolled and I scrolled, and then I got to the most recent years and I had to stop. I shuddered with disappointment because of the lack of photos. Instead of hundreds per month, we're down to.... well... lots less. And the quality, don't even get me started. The camera phone doesn't compare at all to the crystal clear photos of my DSLR. I couldn't even remember the last time I used my big girl camera. Last night I made a promise to myself to get out the big camera, and to capture photos like I used to.
This morning I grabbed my big girl camera from the top shelf of a dining room bookcase. My boy was eating made by him cinnamon and sugar toast while reading a book on monsters. A perfect opportunity for the fancy camera, right?
The batteries were dead.
While I slipped the battery into its charger I grabbed my phone and took a picture. Then I looked through the most recent folders of digital photos, and I realized that even though I'm not taking hundreds of photos, I'm still taking photos. There's still documentation of the kids at every age, at every height, doing the things they do on a daily basis. It's not perfect, but it's something.
I wonder about those days that were spent taking so many photos. It's funny how things change. Now, I need to snap fast if I want a picture of the kids - they move from one thing to the next so quickly, it's easy to miss it. And they're not right by my side, needing supervision every second of the day. I do revel in that. The freedom that comes as they get older. Their closeness granted me ample opportunities for close ups, but my sanity appreciates the breaks and the time spent in a book, or writing, or knitting while they play by themselves, read by themselves, or play with each other.
There's also something to be said for not having the bulk of the DSLR between us. Now, when I'm immersed in a picture perfect moment with the kids, they really need my attention. They want me to listen, not to snap photos. We have conversations at the park, not just strolls to expend energy before naptime. They talk lots and have opinions and big questions... all of which need thought to answer instead of a smile and nod. It's funny how things shift, change. These subtle things that take me by surprise in motherhood....
Maybe now I'll keep the batteries charged in my big girl camera. It's nice to know it's there. But it's also nice to know that snapshots taken in haste between breaths with the smart phone are as good of reminders as any of moments spent immersed in life.