trusting your inner wisdom

Every time I log onto the computer I'm bombarded with wisdom. How To's and You Must's and Secrets to Happiness and fitness and love and life and and and..... 

Items are shared right and left. How to get your children to listen. How to structure your day. How to loose ten pounds. How to homeschool. What to eat to feel and look a certain way. How to find inner peace. Secrets to a happy marriage. How to please people, yourself, your lover... 

I'm done reading them. All of them. 

The more we read about how to do all of the things, the less likely we are to listen to the inner wisdom that tells us what we need. Tells us what we want. Tells us exactly how to be true to ourselves. 

You can't get that from an article written by a person who doesn't know you. What makes the author come alive, what works for them, what has even worked for millions of others might not work for you. And you won't know that unless you become quiet and listen. 

And truly? Listening is only half the battle. You must learn to trust what you hear that wanders out from the depths of your soul. It has the answers. 

You have the answers. 

Stop waiting for someone to tell you five ways to find whatever it is you're looking for. 

Trust yourself. 

You can do this. 

living room stills

Three quarters of the year our living happens in our dining room. School books and projects, computers and meals and card games spill out over the coziness and closeness of our little table, close in proximity to the warmth of the kitchen. 

But during the summer, our living happens in the living room. Where we can stretch and lounge and feel the breeze on our legs. We knit, we read, we play, we do yoga, we plan and laugh and watch movies and endless episodes of My Little Pony and Transformers. We lounge. 'Tis the season... 

water balloons...

The essence of childhood summer days, hours to fill dozens of balloons... burst within minutes. The giggles and screams of delight worth every moment spent at the sink...

slow

We are letting these be the slow days. Slow like droplets puddling gently at the bottom of an icy cup... like the veil of a sheer curtain billowing from a slow summer breeze. Slow like eyelids after nap where you sweat while moving every so gently from one side to the other. Slow like the breeze you can almost put your arms around, a low force of air and movement and summer... so full you can almost touch. So full that if you close your eyes you can hop on and get carried away to Autumn.

These days are slow and hot... like rolled up tee shirt sleeves and lingering in front of mirrors... just because. Slow like finger tips tracing curves, leaving cool touches on hot skin... hot like snuggles against sweat... the heat of nightmares needing to be cooled. The days are slow like lazily sneaking ice cream from the freezer... grabbing stolen bites while trying to fit your whole head in the icy cold chamber of relief.

Slow like diving under ice cold Atlantic water... time slows... the arc of your body falls... and every inch of your skin feels the cold water stun like ice cubes being massaged into your being. Slow like shadows and uninvited company lingering at your doorstep. Slow like Sunday afternoons, and two in the morning. Slow and full... these summer days.



**This was written from a prompt given by Isabel Abbott and her 27 days of creative burn...

 

June

June has come and gone, and I'm left with pictures and memories of adventures. We have arrived home from the biggest trip {the kids each spent a week with grandparents on their own - our girl in NH and our boy in PA! - and then we reconviened in PA with my parents for a week...} but this is not about that adventure. This post is about the first adventure of the summer. We spent the early days of June in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, camping with some dear friends. Below are a few {ahem... a lot...} of my favorite photos.

**I seem to come here mostly to say that things are shifting within. That changes are coming. That breaths of air are being taken and moments spent.... and then I hardly report back. I miss this space, and for the first time since winter, I actually miss writing. And so perhaps I'll fill some more space here. Perhaps not... until then... enjoy the view! **

 

creating... in life, in yoga, in words and pictures....

Earlier this month the beautiful soul that is Mindy Tsonas  asked me to participate in a blog tour that I've seen circulating the past few months. I'm finally obliging! I've seen this set of questions answered in many ways, about writing or other creative endeavors. Right now I'm not focusing on writing necessarily... so here's my spin ;)

1. What am I working on? Right now, I'm in a gathering and learning phase. I'm working on my yoga practice, I'm learning about all sorts of things that apply to yoga and mind and body connections. I'm starting to slowly write down the journey that has gotten me here - 15 years ago I was introduced to yoga and I feel that it has played a very special part in my story. The times I have felt the most true and authentic have been times when I am active on my yoga mat. I now practice daily, participate in yoga challenges on instagram, and try to attend classes when time and money allows! It's an interesting thing, the yoga world on instagram. I didn't understand it at first. But now I look at it as a source of inspiration, a community of like minded folks all learning from each other and pushing each other to keep going. Yes, the yoga journey is very personal, and we need to leave judgement and comparison in order to go inward and work on ourselves. But... it is undeniable that there is a certain energy that is unique and helpful that happens in a yoga class, or while practicing anywhere with other people. For those of us that aren't spending hours in a studio or with other yogi's, the IG community is extremely helpful, inspiring, and playful. It's not about perfect pictures and showing off. It's about showing up, holding yourself accountable and finding that divine light in yourself and seeing it in others {the very definition of Namaste, "the light in me sees and honors the light in you..."}

I've been toying with an idea for an ecourse on finding time for yourself, finding time for meditation and creativity, and carving out space in your day for whatever stirs and heals your soul. I'm not sure how and when that will materialize, but it's in the back of my head! But for right now I'm happy journaling, diving deeper into my practice, painting and drawing with the kids, reading and sitting by the ocean and starting to feel lighter, more peaceful and playful than I have in years.

That's what I'm working on... ultimately, my life.

2. How does my work differ from others of its genre?  The only thing I can really say is that whatever I create is different than anyone else doing similar things, because it's from my heart. Not that other people aren't working from their heart, but what I mean is that each of us will ultimately create something unique because our gifts are all unique and specific to ourselves. Yes, they might be similar {I believe we can all identify with each other on that human, we're all made of the same stuff level...}, but I think each of us can put a spin on things because of our individual experiences and backgrounds. 

3. Why do I create/write what I do? Most of the time when I create something - whether it's a few lines in my journal or my daily practice, it's because it's bubbling up inside of me.  I guess I create when I can't not create or it will drive me crazy! But also I create to give myself something. To not loose myself to motherhood or homeschooling or wifehood. I create to find and keep me alive.

4. How does my writing/creating process work? I work on things in my head way before they ever come out. I'll work on creating a certain pose physically, but also in my head, and then when I get it mentally, it doesn't matter when or where, I need to try it with my body. My husband has started not even batting an eye when I get up from the couch while watching tv {recently, Dr. Who, how did we not get into that before!?!} and bust out a headstand variation or an arm balance. Or if I have lines in my head that need to get put on paper, I can't think about anything else until I get them down. I have words scribbled in various notebooks, quotes that inspire me scrawled out in cursive across large pieces of blank paper stuffed into my purse... white sheets poke out of bookshelves as little treasures for later. My process isn't precise, and it changes, but mostly I think things through before giving them life - sometimes a little too much thought goes into things and I hold myself back, but for the most part it works!

And now I'd like to invite anyone who wants to to play along! But specifically I'd like to tag  Jess at One Wild and Precious Life. I'd love to read your answers :) If anyone decides to play along, please leave a comment and let me know so I can make sure to read!

Thank you Mindy... for just being you and for giving me a reason to blog when I didn't think I had it in me :) I'm so blessed to have you as friend, lady! xoxo

open hearts and big conversations

{my girl, doing her thing, totally unprompted 

on the playground with children running all around her...}

We're talking about Easter and favorite parts of the holiday, and he tells us his least favorite part is church. And he asks to stay home. Across the table Lucas and I look at each other knowingly and tell him that we will go to church with his grandparents because it's important to them and it's important to us to be together. And we support those we love. We tell him he can bring a book. "Yeah, mom, but I better not bring the bird one that makes all the sounds. That wouldn't go over too well." We all laugh. 

We've had a lot of spiritual conversations recently. I find them difficult to navigate at times, as I'm on my own spiritual journey that isn't conventional and doesn't follow a path except the one that is perfect for me. It winds and is curvy and has hills and mountains and valleys, and I rest when necessary. But ultimately I walk it willingly. The kids see me meditating, and they are aware of many different beliefs, they read Buddha Bedtime stories and they look at their children's bible when they feel led. My girl, especially, wants to know about what people believe. What I believe. It's hard to say. 

We have conversations about how Grammy believes this, and Grampy believes that, and Grandma and Papa believe this, and their uncle believes in something called humanism... and we accept it all. Daddy might align most with Taoism. Mommy has a hard time with labels, but believes in love and the universe and that we are all connected. We are all one, and part of each other, and we all have this light in us that we each need to honor. To respect. To accept. Mommy calls that Spirit or God {depending on the day}, Daddy might call it something else. And that's okay. It's all okay as long as we love each other.

A modern spiritual family... that's what I feel we are. We have the big conversations and answer questions as best we can and sometimes saying I don't know is the perfect answer. We are all on this journey, separate but together with lines of communication and hearts way open. 

Namaste.

light and happiness

{my new mantra... Travel light. Live light. Be the light. Spread the light. 

Sweatshirt from SuperLoveTees}

Last night I spoke too soon... and had a very obvious reminder that all were not on the mend... and that parenting gets real as soon as vomit hits the pillow.

This morning I found myself alone at the grocery store, tired and punchy from lack of sleep, anxious to get home to a husband and son under the weather, a daughter dancing for attention. And yet...

And yet I had a smile on my face for the check out lady who commented on the fact that my bill was just under $100... and "not many people get out of the store for less than that!" {I high fived myself, as that never happens in this household these days!} And I had a spring in my step as I pushed the cart back into the stall, knowing my next errand was to the beach for a quick picture to send across the ocean.

As I approached the beach road, the sky darkened. It looked as though storms were rolling in, so I drove up the coast where the light was bright. Pulling into the parking lot of my childhood beach I noticed the merging of light and dark in the sky, abiding together. Almost complementing each other as clouds mixed with the blue sky and light shimmered on the ocean in bits and pieces. I stood in awe of the brilliance. The glittering. My heart felt open and full. Light danced in my eyes as I snapped a few pictures and I took a breath of the first real warm spring air before getting back into the car. If it weren't for the car load of groceries, and the sick family, I would have been tempted to stay.

Driving home songs came on the radio that made my smile grow wide and tears might have stung the corners of my eyes... {Happy and House of Gold}I blared the radio and felt the vibrations in my chest. Spring air and sweet music and hearing my voice sing along... going to home to my loved ones... gratitude for the moment filled me and space opened.

The radio played:

Because I'm happy 
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof 
Because I'm happy 
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth 
Because I'm happy 
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you 
Because I'm happy 
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do 

{lyrics to Happy by Pharrell Williams}


I'm left tonight thinking about these words, the ability to see happiness as truth. Maybe happiness isn't the word you'd use for what I felt today. Maybe spirit. Happy is a tough word because there's so much attached to it. But ultimately, I want to feel happiness even in the dark times. Gratitude. And with that comes opening. That's what I find on my yoga mat. A playfulness. A calmness. And the more I practice with that, the more I can find that feeling out in the big wide world. Even when sleep wasn't an option the night before. Even when clouds come in and when I'd rather have a clear view of the brilliant sky. Even when the unexpected drops in and calm is the farthest thing from my mind... that feeling of happiness. Light. Even in chaos. It's attainable.

I'll clap along to that.

{My friend Janine and I are declaring Friday's Beach Fridays from now on! We share on our instagram feeds every week - come check us out and particpate if you feel led to! We use the hashtag #mybeachfriday}

jars of magenta and white...

This week got away from me, big time. We had big plans that changed due to a certain little boys asthma issues... and then a bit of a chest cold... and then today a bit of a stomach bug... Thankfully we've still been able to get some fresh air and sunshine in our lungs, and everyone is on the mend. I have high hopes for the rest of April! I had plans for this little space, but of course tissue gathering and brow wiping took over. Such is life! 

But I wanted to share these pictures. The following are from last weekend. The kids made their birdhouses with friends last week, and then we took them to Home Depot to pick out paint on Saturday. They were so excited and proud of the finished products! The birds that end up in these houses will be quite lucky... 

soaking in

The light this time of year is deceiving. The wind howls, and yet the sun shines and the cold goes through me and the chill that lingers lasts for hours on end. I find myself standing by the windows, soaking up the warmth of the light, reflecting off of nature that I've brought inside and transparent and fragile glass made of melted sand. The chill of this spring has me bundled up, wanting just a bit more. Waiting just a bit longer. Dreaming from inside of outer warmth and basking in balmy breezes... 

a girl, a gluegun, and some sea glass

She gets these ideas... these crafty ideas. She didn't ask to learn, but I knew it was time. A quick lesson on gluegun safety and my little collector was on her way to making art with her treasures. I'll be honest, this time of year our enthusiasm for "school" drifts and we have to be creative in our learning... 

This time of year we {mostly I...} have to remember that learning happens in many forms, in many ways, and is a constant in our lives if we simply in a way that we are open to experiences as they present themselves. 

a bit of sunshine...

Blogging has undoubtedly changed over the years. Every once and a while I think my style of blogging is outdated... that the days of writing to connect are over and we are all out for ourselves and are all narcissistic...

And then I'm reminded that that's simply not the case. That there are still bloggers who write from the heart, for connection, and there are some that have hearts that can reach across miles to make you feel like you are sitting across from them, sipping on tea and diving into life together. Jess over at One Wild and Precious Life is one of those people. I love her honest, from the heart writing style, and I wish that we were closer to have a big ol' playdate with our kids to make art and life and laughter. 

In an old school blogging move, Jess has bestowed upon me a bit of sunshine. Of course, there are rules to follow {and I might change a few of them...} But here goes nothing :)

Here are the rules:
~ Acknowledge the nominating bloggers
~ Share 11 random facts about yourself
~ Answer the 11 questions the nominating blogger creates for you
~ List 11 bloggers
~Post 11 questions for the bloggers you nominate to answer and let all the bloggers know they've been nominated. (You cannot nominate the blogger who nominated you.)

So... some random facts...
1. I love sleeping in. LOVE it. I think everyone has an internal wake up time, and mine is 8am. If I wake up any earlier I feel completely off. Any later and it's a pleasant surprise!

2. I was homeschooled through 8th grade, and I swore I wouldn't homeschool my own children. My how things change ;)

3. I'm a big introvert. And I'm not a huge fan of spending gigantic amounts of time with people... I end up feeling claustrophobic. So the real reason I know my marriage is going to last is because {other than my children} my husband is the one person I never get tired of being with. Truly. I'm not sure that I believe in soul mates, but I believe in souls complimenting each other... and ours do.

4. My first job was at a teeny tiny fish and chips shack. I haven't been able to look at tartar sauce the same way since.

5. I have never been career oriented. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

6. Along those lines, I wrote a novel in November as part of NaNoWriMo. It was something I always wanted to do, and held out hope that "one day, I'll write novels! That'll be my thing!" Let's just say I'm glad I tried before I got much older. I'm glad I did it, but I don't think it's my thing.

7. I recently started using essential oils, and it's a huge life style change for the better. I can't say enough good things... more to come on this eventually!

8. My favorite books from childhood are Mandy, by Julie Edwards and Anne of Green Gables.

9. I could listen to Jack Johnson's Home on repeat for hours on end. "So I try to understand what I can't hold in my hand, and whatever I find, I find my way back to you..."

10. The kids and I want to learn how to surf.... the only thing holding me back is my fear of sharks and fish... which is funny considering my love of the beach and ocean! Don't laugh though.. fish seriously freak me out. It's only been recently that I've been able to walk up to the fish counter at the supermarket... This is all pretty funny considering fact #4!

11. I love writing. I love seeing my words on the page. The fact that I don't know what I want to do with my writing often stops me from writing at all. I'm trying to overcome that...

My answers to Jess's questions... 
1. If you could travel anywhere where would it be? Iceland. No doubt. I feel like I'm being called there, and have been for the past year or so!

2. What is one thing just right about right now? My family is safe and cozy and warm and happy.

3. What is one thing you wish you could change about right now? I wish I had some chocolate... I'd definitely change my lack of chocolate.

4. Describe a good Friday night. A walk on the beach, then getting cozy on the couch with some ice cream, my hunky husband, and a good movie.

5. What is a favorite family meal at your house? Tacos or homemade pizza.

6. Share something you have learned recently. That I have a lot to learn along with my children on our homeschooling journey... that's something I'm constantly reminded of and relearning!

7. Best hour of the day? 10am.

8. Something you love about your home. The awesome wide wooden floor boards :) And there's this little dragon fly hanger in the pantry...  

9. What are three of your talents, gifts, or strengths? I asked my son to name my three talents {because my mind went a bit blank!} and he said they were: 1. being a mommy 2. snuggling 3. giving good hugs... I think I'll go with his answers!

10. One thing you are hoping to learn or improve? Patience. And a love for cooking... one can learn that, right?

11. I am looking forward to . . . Warm summer breezes and early mornings at the beach!

List 11 bloggers...
I hate this part... really! I hate picking and then leaving someone out... so... if anyone would like to participate, consider yourself tagged! I know a few of you love filling out questionnaires and coming up with questions for folks, so please please play along! Let me know in the comments if you've participated and I'll be sure to come check our your random facts and answers to the questions below!

11 Questions for fellow bloggers... 
1. What is the song you could listen to on repeat for hours?
2. What was your first job?
3. What are three of your passions?
4. When and where do you feel most at peace?
5. What do you love to do that stretches you out of your comfort zone?
6. As a child what did you want to be when you grew up?
7. What was the last concert you went to?
8. How would you spend a day free of commitments and have to's and should do's?
9. Favorite holiday and why?
10.  What's on your wish list right now?
11. What actor will you watch in anything, no matter the quality of the movie?

Jess, thank you so much!! Like you said, this took a bit of time, but was really fun to put together! Again, if anyone would like to participate, consider yourself tagged :) Please comment and let me know that you've played along!

finding the exhale

It's been a month and a half - ish - since my last post. I knew I needed a break from this online space to try and figure out what I wanted this little corner of the big online world to be... but I didn't realize how much I needed to step away. It was good.

I have been diving deeper into my yoga practice, and not just the asanas... but I've been finding myself enjoying more of the yoga lifestyle. The breath work. The mind work. Learning about the eight limbs and putting them into practice little by little. I'm finding myself wanting more magic in my life... more chakra talk and exploration... maybe a book on crystals will find its way home from the library at some point. You never know!

But most importantly I've spent time finding my breath. I hadn't realized that I lost it, but I did. I hadn't realized that I'd been holding my breath, not getting to the exhale, not getting to the point of fully releasing many, many things.

Back in early March I started to get messages in my inbox from Google Domains about renewing this space. The url. And messages regarding the inability to do so because the card I used for payment had expired. Even when I changed the payment, I still received those same messages. And so I made peace with the fact that maybe this space would be no longer on March 28th, 2014. And then magically {cue sarcasm} the domain renewed and this space is still sitting here, waiting for me. But it was a lesson in attachment. On and off of the yoga mat I've been practicing less attachment. It's not easy, to just accept what is - to not invest in the outcome, to not focus on how far your body can stretch but to enjoy how it is stretching and what a pose looks like as is, not what it could be if you were more limber or thinner, or if your muscles were stronger. Your muscles are working as hard as they can, in the form that they can, at any given moment. Yes, work towards strength. Yes, work towards bettering yourself. But ultimately, appreciate your body and soul where they are in this specific moment.

Metaphor much?

There have been lots of lessons recently. And I'm taking them all in, learning from them, and spending much time with my little family acknowledging where each of us are right now. On the cusp of April, on the cusp of many things but right where we need to be. I'll leave you on this rainy Sunday with some pictures I snapped of the kids earlier in the month... thankfully the rain we've had has washed almost all of the snow away, making room for the soggy ground and buds on the trees. Onward, my friends. Lets enjoy what is, in this moment. Goofy smiles and rolling eyes and muddy ground beneath our feet.

and we begin...

For the last week or so I've met myself on the blue yoga mat. My intentions and my body join forces and create space for growth and peace and movement. It's been incredible. The reminder that my body is powerful. That my mind can be clear. That my breath is a force to be reckoned with.

And so we begin
Anew
Each day
With light
and power
and connection.




{I had to turn on the word verification on the comments... I know they're a pain... but man, the spam that was coming through! So I apologize... and thank you in advance  :) }

quiet

Right now I crave quiet like some crave chocolate. A deep, full ache rises and swells and then I'm yelling over the noise and searching for a bit of quiet. 

Of still. 

I'm thinking about the quiet ones. The ones who need to bend in order to fit into this loud world. 

But why do we need to bend? Why can't we create a place where it's okay to be quiet? Why is it that noise equals happy and quiet equals withdrawn? 

How many of us hear the phrase "It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for..." and cringe? 

I'm finding that the older I get, my need for quiet, and space to hear myself think, has gotten bigger. Perhaps it's not a coincidence that as my children have gotten older, it seems harder to find that space, that time. The time that was allotted for naps is now gone,  early bedtimes are giving way to later nights and earlier mornings. Homeschooling, while still a choice that is completely right for our family, can be noisy. Being at home with two growing children is not quiet work. But homeschooling, having the opportunity to morph our days into exactly what we need, has made me thankful for the time at home, or in nature, where we can be still and quiet together. But those times are rare, as most often the children find ways to voice their opinions, and stories, and songs in voices that are not indoor voices - which is natural and I am happy that they are finding their voices, period. But sometimes I wish they were a tad bit softer... 

I'm trying to instill in them that soft voices can still be heard. They are still worthy. They count and matter and can be trusted as much - if not more - than the shouts of our noisy world. 

windswept words written on wings

It floats across the sky like a promise

Windswept words written on wings

and airy clouds

I took Facebook off of my phone this week. And since I rarely turn my computer on during the day, I haven't been checking it much. {need to get a hold of me? Text. Or email. Or find me on Instagram. Just not Facebook!!} 

The noise was just too much. It had been building for a while. The constant pull to check. To see what I was missing. The thought that I would be out of the loop if I wasn't on Facebook a few times an hour. 

For real. 

Isn't that just silly? To think we won't be connected if we aren't on a device. If we are looking at our phones or computers instead of the faces of our children or spouses or friends. If we aren't able to hear ourselves think because we're instead being inundated by what everyone else thinks and does.

I found myself more connected this week. 

On top of that, I've been participating in liberated lines, which has made my other use of social media {instagram} more intentional. I shared in our group that when you are more intentional with your words and photos, it feels like you're offering something - creatively - instead of just shouting LOOK AT ME!!! Look at my awesome life!! 

I'm realizing, while working through Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map, that I want to feel creative. That is one of the core feelings that my soul desires. Feeling creative and that I'm being heard are the two things I keep coming back to while doing this emotionally draining - but good! - work. 

So by backing off of the places that make me crazy, and focusing on being intentional in a few others, I feel a lot of growth coming. A lot of creativity swelling. A lot of goodness. Quiet, intentional, whispered goodness at times. Stepping back is never a bad thing, especially if it means looking into eyes and seeing real live smiles and catching the subtle moments and movements of our lives...

one hurt and joy at a time

{Taken last month when we visited the Peabody Essex Museum, in Salem, MA}

It's a blustery, chance of snow, Monday. We stayed up too late last night watching the final episode of Sherlock on pbs. It's one of our all time favorite series. Even last night as I sat on the edge of my chair looking back and forth from the tv saying to Lucas "I don't like this show at all!!" out of anger as the characters do something that is just NOT what I wanted them to do... I still loved it. Three quarters of the way through I could sit back and say "yes, clever, I see that now, what an incredible story!" But in the middle, it was a bit gut wrenching. Like points of all of our stories. 

I also stayed up late reading about Philip Seymour Hoffman. Heather just wrote an incredibly thoughtful piece on the "choice" of it all. As always, her words bring a bit of clarity and peace. It just flat out stinks. Addiction. Drug use. The comedian and actor Jim Carey tweeted condolences along with this line: "For the most sensitive among us the noise can be too much." Isn't that the truth. 

I think that's it. It's the reminder that yes, the noise can be too much for many of us. We have to be careful. One misstep and it's all gone. So keep on fighting the good fight. Whatever that means for you. Right now I'm on the edge of my seat, screaming that I don't like this. I don't like any of this. The hurts and the loved ones left behind to mourn and the reality that this world can be too much for many of us. Reach out for help, people. If you need it. Please. 

In a little while I'll be back to saying: Yes, Universe, I see what you're doing even though I might not like it all time time. It might not seem fair, or even make sense. But what an incredible story of our world you weave together one moment at a time. One hurt and joy at a time. 

~~~~~

{There's a new little icon over on the side ---------> 

The butterfly, BraveGirl Community. Stacey recently asked if I'd join as a contributor to their community, and I am proud to have said yes. It's a site for folks recovering from all sorts of issues, not just alcohol or other substance abuse. Most here know that I'm more spiritual than religious, so I thought long and hard before accepting as there is a religious undertone. But I think that there's beauty in coming together, telling your truths in any way possible in a safe place. Learning from each other and gaining new insights and perspective. So check it out - my 4 years of sobriety post will be up today, but as you've all read that by now please look through some of the other posts. It's a safe, welcoming space, and I'm happy and proud to be included there.}

picking up stories

 

He doesn't pick up stories. He picks up books about the Northern Lights or ancient Egypt. Maybe comics, if it's Calvin and Hobbs. But never a chapter book. We read them together, alternating pages, for his school reading. But on his own? Never.

So the other day when he picked up The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, and sat quietly on the couch for half an hour, I was shocked. And like it was no big deal he said "Yeah, I think I'll read a chapter a day, Mom."

 

Phases, I know. He'll go through phases with what he reads, like the rest of us. With what he writes. Like the rest of us. Some days he writes a story about a little lost comet that can't find his family out in space, the comet is constantly looking for his home. His place. Other days he writes nature and world and science facts in his "Book of Things I Know" journal. 

Life inspires art. Imagination. Creativity. 

~~~

I'm on the verge of diving back in to my manuscript. I've been dallying about it way too long{and of course after I posted I was going to work on something else thoughts of the first project won't leave my head!!}. 

But breaks can be fruitful. I watched a video interview of John Irving {Thank you again Maggie May for the link!!} and in it he says something about writing novels and screenplays at the same time, and when the call comes in to work on the screenplay you drop everything and do that. So there's a break from the novel. And the best thing about any break from the work in progress is coming back to it with fresh eyes, seeing something that wasn't there before or couldn't have been without a change in pace - a change in life. I love that. I think especially for mother writers we need to be gentle with ourselves about taking time away from our projects, or being able to work on them for moments at a time. Life happens, especially when there are young children around. Take what you can, and take the breaks if they are handed to you {even by way of week long head colds!} and move on and go from there. You never know what life will have inspired during the interim. 

Anyway. 

I did want to come here and thank you guys for the support of that last post. It never fails to amaze me how supportive my community is when I share here. It just so happens that the post got picked up by Mamapedia, which is pretty incredible! If you are coming here from there - welcome! 

There's also a few words of mine over on Melanie's Just a Minute: Moments in Motherhood blog site. On stealing the moments for ourselves... somewhat similar to what I was writing about in the paragraph on taking the moments that are handed to us. I wrote the post a year ago, so don't mind the age differences in the kids if you are a stickler for that sort of thing!

And because I'm tired of plugging my own writing... here's a few links that I've really enjoyed lately:

~ From Maggie May Etheridge, on finding your tribe regardless of where you live... even in Suburbia.

~ There's still time to sign up for Alisha's Liberated Lines which starts next week...

~ Kristen's review of the book Notes from a Blue Bike {on slowing down life...}

~ Angie Muresan's piece, Comrade Pauker. Amazing. 

~ Rachel W. Cole's ode to sugar {not quite... more of an ode to moderation!} 

~ Justine's post on getting outside, even when it isn't always convenient.

~ And Aidan's Friday loves {a favorite fun post to read each week!}

Happy weekend, folks. 

sick days and spinning rings and pops of yellow

Today has been moving slowly, these cold winter days often do. So cold that my wedding rings spin around my fingers, my  hands have never felt this dainty. We go from one thing to the next. This morning it was a book about finding math in art and the kids didn't even know we were doing schoolwork. Next was a craft left untouched on the shelf from last Valentine's day... good thing February is coming up. I spent an hour on skype with a good friend. We talked about writing. Mothering and writing. The desire {or more like the obsessive want} to write. The words that don't get written. The ones stuck in our heads. On our hearts. We say goodbye and then it's another project with the kids. Today is a sick day, but the kids don't realize the best thing about being sick is doing nothing so we are always doing something. Colds and sniffles and snot wiped on shirts instead of tissues. We make potholders, my fingers turn raw from the fabric absorbing any of the little moisture my hands have left. Chapped from rubbing against the weaving loom pegs. I comment on the pops of yellow that brighten his potholder. Brighten the room. Even my smile. Winter is here and we search for the pops of yellow amid the dry, chapped hands... our days silently decorated with spinning rings.

~~~~~

A few links to share today... 

Justine put together a post where a few friends share their favorite physical spaces in their homes... I was thrilled to participate when she asked! 

Melanie is working on a new project where she dives into Moments in Motherhood. She was at our house last week, and her gallery of photos from the shoot is simply divine {and might have left me speechless!} 

fragility of normal

 

 On the way to a non emergency, but still same day doctor's visit, we are late. I'm driving down the highway wondering how it is that seven plus years into motherhood I still don't allow enough time for delays and a child falling in mud while walking from the front door to the car, and then having to run inside and change pants and shirts and coats. Because mud splashes everywhere and seeps into the cracks between coat and shirt, shirt and skin.

She says she's fine without me in the x ray room. She's five. She looks brave and talks to the radiology tech and when I come back in the tech tells me that my girl has asked to see her x rays. So she's taking her to look at a computer screen. My girl watches as the leg bones are pointed out {fully intact, thank GOD} and she marvels at how small her knee cap is. "In ten years it'll be a full knee cap, just like a grown ups."

Ten years. I can't even imagine. She'll be 15.

Seven plus years in and the worries get bigger and the threats against normal health seem to increase. Maybe because we're all so aware. Maybe because every other day there's a story the pops up on Facebook or the Huffington post about children battling cancer or other scary diseases. And so my mind goes places that are dark. I can't help it. All of a sudden my five year olds shin pain seems like it could be anything from a badly bruised bone to a stress fracture to cancer.

How do we go through days and nights with these little ones without the fear overwhelming us and consuming our hearts and minds? The fragility of my little ones lives is not lost on me. I recently read "The more you know, the crazier you look." It's true. The more we are aware of, the good and bad, the crazier we look - or even feel.

And so I step back. From Facebook and news stories. I filter what I watch and read and hear. If a story comes up about a shooting or car jacking or child abuse I choose not to read the details. I am aware, but I am trying not to let it scare the crap out of me, and in turn live in fear. It is so easy to live in fear.

It takes strength to parent with all of this knowledge around us. With WebMD and Dr. Google. To parent while conscious of both the good and the bad. For those of us who deal with anxiety it is especially hard to be aware but not fear every ache or pain and turn it into the worst case scenario. It take strength to know that whatever happens, moments will continue to pass and life will continue to move forward. Parenting is not for the weak of heart. The moment I saw the first positive pregnancy test nearly eight years ago I knew that. But I couldn't possibly know the extent of what that means. I'm sure I still don't.

The call comes and I take a deep breath. The words normal x ray and cold compress and motrin are a relief. Aware of what it could have been, thankful for what it isn't. Trusting this moment, feeling the fragility of normal.