Across the ocean and back...

{the journal was made by my talented friend Maegan... her shop is full of treasures!}

Just popping in quickly to share something... through the internet I've had the pleasure of connecting with people from all over the world! It's an amazing thing to find people doing the same things you do, across the ocean. There is a sense that the world is not quite so big and scary when we connect and share and find kindred spirits.

One such friend is Vibeke. Her blog, A butterfly in my hair, is a beautiful, calm place that I've grown to love. A while back she asked if I would participate in an conversation/interview of sorts on her blog... and of course I said yes! She has posted our words today, and I'd be thrilled if you would head over to take a look. We talk about everything from books to finding calm to knitting to writing... and more! Poke around her online home, Vibeke is a sweet soul, and I know you all will just love her!

pierced

My girl got her ears pierced today. I had told her when she turned five, she could, and I would take her whenever she was ready. Today, she was ready. She held my hand and picked out sweet little heart shaped earrings. She talked with the lady behind the counter like it was nothing. She asked if it would hurt, said she was a little scared, but she really wanted it done. 

I whispered to her, "this was where grammy took me to get my ears pierced when I was young" and she looked deep in my eyes and smiled. I forget sometimes that sharing places from my youth gives us something sacred. We live a few towns south of where I grew up, far enough not to run into too many people, but close enough to frequent. 

She didn't cry one bit. Her eyes got a little watery, but she held my hand and took deep breaths and was fine. Proud and smiling, we walked around the mall that I walked around for years and years. Many of the same stores are there, many changed, but it still felt the same. If not smaller. But to her, it was huge. It was unexplored and vast and full of things to look at and touch. It's funny seeing things again through her eyes.

And so she's been initiated into the earring wearing club. My five year old. My little love with hearts on her ears! 

Community of differences

An amazing thing always happens when I open up in this space and spread a little of my heart... others do the same. I can't tell you how many messages I received privately after the last post. How that post resonated with many. What is also pretty amazing is how so many of us connect and relate to feeling different. How there's comfort in talking about our differences and how by talking about what's hard we feel a bit free. Tthe little community that surrounds me {some online, but also in my circle of friends} seems to be built upon celebrating our differences and unique qualities. And I wonder why that can't happen more in the every day. Why our differences can't bring us together instead of separating. 

Happy weekend, friends. I'll end this with favorite quote:

"Be curious, no tjudgemental" ~ Walt Whitman

On getting stuck in your own head...

Today was a heavy day. School was fine, the kids were fine, I was just feeling heavy. My head. Sometimes I get all foggy and muddled and I can't get out of my own way. I fight with myself. I doubt myself. I get a little {a lot} grumpy. It happens. We all have days like this. 

My girl asked all day if we could go to the beach. All day. And I resisted. Until 3:30 and I had no excuse not to and so we went. It was hot and sunny at home. Hot. Sunny. And then we got down to the beach and it was so foggy I could barely see three cars ahead of me driving in. The fog was thick on the beach... but it was the most relaxing beach trip we've had all summer because the kids stayed close and not in the water and I just sat. With my thoughts. And kind of gave them to the wind and let them be taken out to sea. 

I realized this afternoon that much of what has been distressing me is that I'm very much aware of how different our family seems to be from many around us. From the status quo. How counter culture we tend to be. From homeschooling to how we feed our family to being underscheduled to just...being us. 

I like to think that everyone is different, that we are all doing what is best for our own families. And I think ultimately the only critic of what I am doing is me. I see what other families are doing and sometimes I just get tired of being different. Our way is right for us {and many others...I don't think we're that different...} and I by no means mean to preach to anyone about anything. Honestly. Mostly, what it comes down to, is I'm tired of certain things being hard because they are not the norm. Like finding real food that we can afford. Like keeping the food dyes and processed stuff to a minimum {if you want a crazy story about red #40, I've got a few... we try to keep the stuff to an absolute minimum because we know it changes the kids behaviors, but we realized it was in the kids toothpaste, found a dye free one, and my daughters sleep patterns have changed dramatically for the better. For real. This stuff is no joke!} Like not wishing our kids away at the beginning of the school year {except for a few moments here and there, let's be honest...}Like homeschooling. Like doing things because they feel like the natural thing to do, not because someone says we should.

Whew. I totally needed to get that off my chest. 

We're not being different just to be different. We're doing things differently because we can't unlearn what we know to be true and right for us. The intention is not to be different. The intention is to live the best way we know how for us. 

Maybe by waving our little freak flag, maybe others will too. And then those of us who don't try to keep up with the Jones's won't feel nearly as alone at times. 

So all of that, I threw out to sea. And for now I'll just keep on keepin' on. Do your thing, the rest will come naturally. So long as you don't get stuck in your own head for too long... 

Stretched

After a day and a half back into school, and can I just tell you? My brain is soooo tired! In a good way. In a "wow, what have we actually been doing all summer? How can my brain be mush?" sort of tired! But it's all good. We're all stretching into our roles again, breathing life into routines and finding ways to sneak some calm into our school days.

Truly, I forgot how much we all thrive on routine, on a bit of structure, and on learning. And man, my kids are smart! That's always an awesome fact to be reminded of.

{in the picture above, notice how my girl is showing off one side of her face? This is the side that got banged up on Saturday, but the opposite is now sporting a huge bruise as she met the wooden side of our living room chair in a crazy act of falling off of the couch and flying into the side of said chair..... but still. She's cute! She's also modeling a pair of mitts that just came off the needles, the pattern is from Two Little Plums, called Antiquity}

Sunday ramble...

 

 And now we're here, the day before school starts. There's an apple pie in the oven, the air has changed, and autumn is within reach. I'll happily take it! 

I sat with our big stack of school books and my planner this afternoon. It didn't take long to get into the swing of writing out what I hope to get to this coming week. I filled in boxes with book titles and art project ideas, sharpened pencils and after the kids go to bed I will fill their art desk with new supplies and straighten our dining room/school room out a bit in preparation for the morning. 

We are ready for the school year. This homeschooling thing is less frightening than it was last year. Our second year in and I think the biggest thing I know now is not to over prepare. To leave lots of room for change, to not set specific "will do this many math pages..." because ultimately there will be a day that we fall behind or leap ahead, and if I have set numbers written down my head thinks we must do set numbers. 

This year, I know not to limit ourselves. 

 ~~~~~

 In knitting news... I put a pattern out into the Ravelry world yesterday! I'm sure there are many "shoulds" in terms of releasing a pattern, and I'm sure you should do it on a weekday, but I wanted to get it off my plate before the start of school. I caught the designing bug, and am starting small. The pattern, Autumn Crisp Cuffs, is for a pair of boot cuffs. I wrote the pattern with directions for both bulky weight and worsted weight yarn. The cables are plaited, so they keep their integrity when stretched around the leg. 

 The worsted weight version {below} uses Quince and Co's Lark:

   

 And the bulky weight version uses Lamb's Pride Bulky {though I would love to make a pair in Quince's Osprey!}

  

Honestly, it was great fun to go through the process of creating a pattern, and then putting it out there! I would love to, and plan to, do more with bigger projects {shawls, eventually a sweater...} but realistically I think it will happen after the holidays.Or at least after the bulk of my holiday knitting is over, as I have quite a bit in my queue {plus a few knits for myself...} that I've been looking longingly at for quite some time. It's time to get a move on and let the needles fly! 

~~~~

The pie smells about done, and dinner is just around the corner. I'm ready for a quiet evening, looking at how big the kids have gotten, wondering how it is possible to have a first grader and a kindergartner! Oh yes, we will marvel, and then send them to bed with bellies full of apple pie and await the dawn of another school year...

Season of prep

We start school a week from today. A week! Part of me feels like I should be anxiously running around in circles prepping for our second year of homeschooling. The other part realizes that stressing makes me unhappy.... and so I'm doing some mental decluttering and mostly just knitting and day tripping and being and relaxing before getting out the planner and filling in the blanks.

And so, I'll leave you with a few photos...

five

She turned five yesterday. The past few days have been a whirlwind of family and celebration and tea parties and Walden pond and go go go go. It has been all that she wanted and has been very much her. 

Last night she woke up in the middle of the night, and she and I snuck outside with blankets to snuggle on the porch and look up at the sky. For the second night in a row we tried to see a few shooting stars. But last night, as the air changed and a veil of clouds was drawn over the earth, we only saw the bigness of the universe. The smallness of us. She leaned her head back on my chest as she sat in my lap, smelling largely of summer and faintly of the Chinese food we had for dinner... and I felt her bigness. All of her five years was sitting right there in my lap. I remembered her smallness, too. The little fingers and toes, onesies and pacifiers and teeny tiny diapers. Her bald baby, and then toddler head. Her wild and sweet spirit that we met the moment she was born. 

She told me before her birthday that she was nervous about turning five. That she would miss being four, she missed when she was a baby. So I told her what I tell myself. Each day you are a day older. The numbers, they don't matter. You are you, you learn new things every day, and each day you grow a little and settle into you a bit more. She smiled, and said "Okay, mama." 

I will never get used to how fast these children grow. But what an honor, a gift, to watch them grow into themselves. 

A day into five, and five suits her. 

Sunday outing

Yesterday we packed up the kids, the big camera, a blanket, a Frisbee, books, snacks, and headed to a park a few minutes from our house. We found gardens in bloom, kids eager to learn how to use a camera, fresh air, and plenty of clouds which we all know are important for day dreaming! Below are a few snap shots; perhaps they will inspire and serve as a reminder that simple outings can be refreshing...

 

 

 {picture below taken by Paige...}

 

 {picture below, by Fynn} 

{We made a batch of Smore's bars, and we all LOVED them!}

 

 {picture below, by Paige. Obviously she's got the whole photographer foot selfie thing down!}

Healthy obsessions

While we enjoy the last few weeks of summer, I'm making intentional space for daydreaming, and for healthy obsessions...  or guilty pleasures... such as:

~My engagement ring. It was safely put away in my jewelry box for a time... probably the last bread baking phase I was in, as dough and diamonds don't really mix! This week I pulled it out and have been mesmerized by the sparkles. Next week we'll celebrate eight years of marriage... and I'm amazed, as always, how much we've grown together with the years and how much more we have yet to learn. 

~Iceland. The country. It's calling me, for real. 

~All things British. Tea. The Royal family {that new little baby!}. Their TV shows. The accent. Thank goodness for my daily dose with the guest host on The Daily Show this summer!

~On that note, The Daily Show. Where would we be without a little comedy to help us ingest the often disturbing state of affairs that is the news?? 

~Autumn. I'm dreaming of wearing my cozy knits, smelling fall in the air, and pumpkin EVERYTHING. Plus, I have a few adventures coming up in September and October that I am so very excited about! 

~Jane Austen and her novels. {this could go along with the whole British thing...}Sense and Sensibility took a while to grow on me, but I so enjoyed Pride and Prejudice as well as Persuasion, that I kept plugging along and it finally won me over. Now I'm into Northanger Abbey, and am smitten with Austen's clever writing. 

~Sock knitting. Turning the heel, working the gussets, knitting socks is quite an adventure!

And so... there is a peek into a few things that occupy my brain these days. 

Will you tell me, what are a few of your healthy obsessions or guilty pleasures? 

Purple inspirations

Right now inspiration is coming in waves of dusk {tern by Quince} and midnight {Merino DK String Theory} and pansy {Smocked Scarf kit by Purl Soho}. These colors are being infused into my every day. The softness of yarn and the sweetness that lies in a light flirty scarf are keeping my head dreaming of places and comforts far and near. Thinking of home being wherever your feet are steady and your heart is warmed.

On a whim I looked up the qualities of the color purple... and low and behold a page about color psychology came up and I'm now left smiling finding bits of myself based upon a favorite color. It's funny where inspirations can take you...

From farm to table

Blueberry picking at our local farm, plus two kids who are able to fill their buckets to the top without help, yielded quite the harvest yesterday. And now, I'll let the photos do the talking... 

a dash of color for Monday

"Art is the proper task of life"

~Friedrich Nietzsche

the creative life

We are entering the half of the summer that is open. Wide open. The first half had traveling, dates booked on the calendar, hurrying to and from and being elsewhere. This second half, we are home. I'm enjoying iced tea in blue mason jars, and getting a few projects done that I haven't had open days for. I'm creating right and left, and am full of a drive for making and doing and being. Perhaps the reason is that school is out and the creative space in my brain I use for lesson planning and teaching is on holiday and there is room for my projects. 

It's shocking to me how much space homeschooling takes up in my brain. We are not that structured {or disciplined, to be honest...} and I pretty much follow my kids cues and answer their questions with learning opportunities and fill in with the basics. But it all takes up space in my head. Learning at home means literally learning at every corner and using every inch of the day because it is our lifestyle. And I love it. The kids love it. 

However, it takes summer to make me realize how much work it is. And with space and a bit of distance from the lesson planner, I realize there has always been a part of my brain that says I have all this time, I should be doing something else. When really? Homeschooling, in this season, is it. Writing here is enough. To be creative, to live a creative life, means so many different things for different people. Creating our days is using a creative part of the mind. Knitting is creative. Sewing projects are creative. 

I had been holding onto writing as my creative endeavor. Then I realized I didn't like writing what I thought I would want to write, and it opened my eyes to the fact that maybe writing isn't the THING I do. Maybe the thing I do is simply living creatively, bringing creativity into every ounce of my day. Teaching it to my kids. Living it in my choice of mason jar cups and taking it with me to a yarn shop when choosing colors and textures. 

And so I feel a shift coming, thanks to the openness that summer allows. A shift towards the open creative life. Maybe I've been here all along... and it's time to own it, and live in the creative openness. 

dripping with summer

We were traveling all last week. From family to friends and home again. We are back to beach curls and salty kisses. Truthfully, we're only home for a few days and then we hit the road again for another few days, then home for two or three and back out... this first part of July on the calendar is thick like the air is with humidity. We are dripping with summer. 

I made a pitcher of sweet tea this morning. It came out a bit weak, but I'll take it. I'm sipping from a tinted mason jar, the ice cubes clinking against glass until they disappear and the glass sweats and I hold it to my neck and it drips and cools...

a little James and Joni and Indigo Girls

Last week my kids found an old mix cd that I put together shortly after college. James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, and the Indigo Girls. They put it in the cd player in their play room and I belted out Galileo while we played Uno, the kids eyes wide. Then we danced to Get out the Map and Jelly Man Kelly and swayed to Both Sides. 

And so I was cleaning and chopping strawberries this afternoon when they put on the cd again. And James transported me to days of singing little babies to sleep... "you can close your eyes, it's alright..." ... and a softness grew in me until there was no other place to put it but around the arms of my nearly five year old. She was sneaking strawberries and my eyes softened and I handed her the whole bowl and planted a kiss on her head and sat and listened to her tell me about the colors of sea glass she found at the beach this morning. 

When you get the right sound track to your life, at the right moment, your world can change. Your view can change and open. The right music enters, and the soul smiles. 

summer mornings

This morning is perfect. It's not yet hit 70 degrees, there are a few clouds in the sky, and the breeze is playing with the towels that were left outside through last nights rainstorm on the porch. Gently swinging them back and forth, airing them out and making them fresh.

The kids are in the next room over watching Martha Speaks.  I'm waiting for their show to end so my yoga video can begin. My tea sits next to me, cold pizza is on the table for breakfast. Strawberry picking is on the agenda later this morning.

I can sense the summer shift happening. The kids are finding longer stretches of time for just being. For a while we were sinking a bit, in this vast open sea of summer. Without lessons or math problems or a planner filled with ideas. I'm taking the summer off. Hardly any craft projects are being planned by me. I spent the entire school year doing the things that I see on pinterest on the "keep your kids busy this summer" boards where activities are planned, orchestrated, played out with the mama's hand.

But for this summer, I am done.

I will play countless games of Uno. I will watch train tracks be built and I will perhaps go on rides. I will read and listen to countless stories. Checkers will be mastered. There will be playing with dolls. We will paint. We will draw. We will snuggle and hike and swim and lounge and picnic and simply be.

And maybe, just maybe, bits of this will carry on to the school year. We will have less scheduled and we will do more. Simplicity is calling all of our names, and instead of saying that we must outdo simplicity, I'm thinking it's time to welcome her into our home with open arms.

pruning

My  mom was visiting the past few days. We spent the days trying to sneak in some outdoor adventures between the rain drops. And she trimmed my hair. One of those cutting off a few inches to let the rest grow in nicer things. Pruning, if you will. 

It's funny when you realize you are in need of pruning. 

Want to know a secret? 

I started a novel. But that's not the real secret. The real secret is... I hate writing fiction. Don't get me wrong, I adore fiction. There is nothing I love more than reading a beautifully crafted novel. And I always thought I would write one, because... well... I like to write, and I love novels, so... why not write one? So I've been sitting on this idea that my work will one day be writing fiction. But now I realize that I need to prune that idea a bit. Writing is one thing. Writing fiction... not my thing. Which is okay. 

I'm so thankful for folks who put their hearts into fiction, who live in that other world you need to be in to write a story. But for me, I found that writing fiction takes me away from here. And I have a hard enough time being here, living my story, that if I'm going to write anything at all... it's going to be from my point of view, helping me to figure out the in and outs of my life and my world. Some can do that through fiction, and I applaud that. But I think I need to keep life as simple as possible for myself. Which means creative non-fiction. And I'm cool with that. 

Pruning. 

In the shower this morning my hands ached for the extra three inches, not knowing what to do with those extra seconds, the shorter length. I've done a few double takes in the mirror. It's still me. Just simplified. Finding bits that were hard to find with the clutter of dry and split ends. There's a bit of awe in the eyes that I see staring back at me through the mirror. Awe in the power of simplifying and clearing the clutter of both a head of hair and a soul. 

Slow and steady

This morning started in a slow, steady way 

With kids waking up too early 

{please, birds, please... give us one morning where you sing your lovely songs a wee bit later than 5am...} and then intentionally putting on a yoga dvd before pbs kids 

Sipping tea instead of coffee on the porch with a journal

Watching the steam billow off with the gentle, chilly breeze of morning

 Listening to my body instead of my routine 

Sometimes routines need to change to accommodate life

Uncharted territory

 

 Did you see what I did with those last two posts? Put out in the world that we've had a rough week, then gloss over with a cute picture and a few words about motherhood and reminiscing and time? I realized it last night.

After my post on Wednesday the love I received was beautiful. Friends checking in to see what is happening, or if there's anything they can do to help. The support was, and is, such a blessing. So with all that, last night I was left wondering why I felt uneasy about saying that something is wrong.

And what it comes down to, I think, is that in this day and age of being able to so easily share what is going on in our lives, sharing can sometimes hurt those we are closest to. Because if someone close to us is hurting, and we don't know about it, then find out via the internet... feelings can get hurt.

But here's the thing: I also believe that the ease of sharing can be a beautiful thing, where we can be alerted to someone going through a difficult time and then dig deeper offline. Like those emails and texts I've gotten in the past few days. Digging deeper. Bringing connection.

If I were someone who was on the phone all the time with all of my friends, I think my sharing here and people finding out tidbits that I haven't spoken out loud would be a bigger issue. If I was not filling people in when I had conversations with them. But in my case, I talk to literally two or three people on the phone regularly (one being my mother) and I'm not about to send out a mass email updating all the people I know about what is going on in my life. So in comes this space, this space where I want to be able to put my energy into talking about whatever I need to talk about.

And for whatever reason, I want to write this blog publicly.

I truly believe in sharing our stories and writing out our truths and being open with them so that we, and anyone reading or listening, can not feel so alone. I do my sharing via writing because I've always written better than I speak.

True story.

So in writing this blog, I fulfill a need to be heard. A need to be seen and also to see others. I want to live openly and honestly and this blog affords that reality to an introvert who gets tongue tied easily.

My point is that I hope to never hurt anyone with my writing. This place is deeply personal for me, and I want to share it with you. Because our personal inner workings are beautiful. Mine are. (that's something I'm still learning to trust) So bare with me. There are so many lines to walk, and navigating them is proving to be a tiresome act. I'm trying to erase the lines that have been drawn in different times, and paint my own new ones. Lines that grow thick and thin with the pressure of a brush stroke, and meander into conversations and open spaces... erasing those spaces with the big caution signs and tape that we previously couldn't go into. Why can't we?

Perhaps here is where I should write proceed with caution... and love and kindness. These are uncharted territories, and I'm planning on exploring.